If you have ever suffered from depression, or know someone who has...read this....it struck a chord with me as, for about 18 months or so, this is EXACTLY how I felt. I am good now, but truer words were NEVER spoken about what it's like to live in the darkness.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Free at last, Free at last
I begin the new year 2013 as a free woman!
My dissolution was final on the 28th and my goal of not entering a new year married to HE Who Shall Not Be Named, has been made.
I am so happy to have this closure to what has been the shittiest year of my life. I am finally at peace with the situation...I have spent the last year learning to be ME again. It was not easy, but I did learn that I WILL be ok on my own.
It is actually a relief to have no one to answer to but myself (I mean in my own personal life--we all have bosses and bills--but that is just a given). I am only responsible for myself and my daughter and to be able to make a decision on my own without it going thru "committee" or taking someone else's feelings or consideration into EVERY FUCKING thing, like I have had to do my entire adult life, is freeing. Sure it was hard to get to this place in my life, but I am finally there and I am HAPPY.
For the first time in probably five years, I. AM. HAPPY.
Will things be easy? No. Will things go smooth all the time? No. But that is ok, because I'm going to be ok. I'll get thru whatever gets thrown at me...because I HAVE to and I know I can!
So here is to new beginnings and a new chapter for me.....2013 is going to be great!
My dissolution was final on the 28th and my goal of not entering a new year married to HE Who Shall Not Be Named, has been made.
I am so happy to have this closure to what has been the shittiest year of my life. I am finally at peace with the situation...I have spent the last year learning to be ME again. It was not easy, but I did learn that I WILL be ok on my own.
It is actually a relief to have no one to answer to but myself (I mean in my own personal life--we all have bosses and bills--but that is just a given). I am only responsible for myself and my daughter and to be able to make a decision on my own without it going thru "committee" or taking someone else's feelings or consideration into EVERY FUCKING thing, like I have had to do my entire adult life, is freeing. Sure it was hard to get to this place in my life, but I am finally there and I am HAPPY.
For the first time in probably five years, I. AM. HAPPY.
Will things be easy? No. Will things go smooth all the time? No. But that is ok, because I'm going to be ok. I'll get thru whatever gets thrown at me...because I HAVE to and I know I can!
So here is to new beginnings and a new chapter for me.....2013 is going to be great!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
It's finally time....
Sorry about the lack of posting--I've just been such a debbie downer that I didn't even have the heart to write anything--and nothing has really been going on anyway--so--whatever.
Tomorrow is the day I walk into my attorney's office to sign the final dissolution agreement so we can get it submitted to the courts. FINALLY. Months of bullshit and petty negotiations (on STBX's part) have finally come together and we can put this mess to bed.
Once it's submitted to the court, we have to wait for a hearing date--so, while nothing is FINAL, FINAL, we are this last step towards closure.
Closure to over 23 years of marriage--not all good, not all bad--it just died a quiet death and STBX had to start the cheating--oh well, it is what it is.
I'm not angry anymore, I'm just sad for what SHOULD have been for my daughter. Now she adjusts to a life of split days with parents, split holidays and being jerked from place to place. It really bothers me--FOR HER. I didn't go thru it when my parents divorced--my Dad could not have cared less if he saw us or not and this was back in the 70's/80's where Mom got custody and that really was it--you saw dad when he could squeeze you in--and in my dad's case, it wasn't very often. Which sucks, but at least you know where you are going to be all the time. My poor kid rotates around every weekend and then had to do it again one night a week. I feel bad for her and so pissed at the x for making it this way.
I would not want to have him back to just have a "simpler" life for my kid, because that atmosphere wasn't any good either--so it's just a tough place to be. But I wish he would just realize that he made this mess--he should be the only one who suffers for it.
Oh well--wish me luck tomorrow.....
Tomorrow is the day I walk into my attorney's office to sign the final dissolution agreement so we can get it submitted to the courts. FINALLY. Months of bullshit and petty negotiations (on STBX's part) have finally come together and we can put this mess to bed.
Once it's submitted to the court, we have to wait for a hearing date--so, while nothing is FINAL, FINAL, we are this last step towards closure.
Closure to over 23 years of marriage--not all good, not all bad--it just died a quiet death and STBX had to start the cheating--oh well, it is what it is.
I'm not angry anymore, I'm just sad for what SHOULD have been for my daughter. Now she adjusts to a life of split days with parents, split holidays and being jerked from place to place. It really bothers me--FOR HER. I didn't go thru it when my parents divorced--my Dad could not have cared less if he saw us or not and this was back in the 70's/80's where Mom got custody and that really was it--you saw dad when he could squeeze you in--and in my dad's case, it wasn't very often. Which sucks, but at least you know where you are going to be all the time. My poor kid rotates around every weekend and then had to do it again one night a week. I feel bad for her and so pissed at the x for making it this way.
I would not want to have him back to just have a "simpler" life for my kid, because that atmosphere wasn't any good either--so it's just a tough place to be. But I wish he would just realize that he made this mess--he should be the only one who suffers for it.
Oh well--wish me luck tomorrow.....
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Still hanging in there....
OH this process is long and painful--how I long for it to be over so I can move on with my life.
DD started back to school today--sigh, 6th grade--how did it happen? I cannot believe it.
But with the start of the new school year, comes a little welcome "normalcy" to our lives--or as normal as a house torn apart can be.
We are now down to the "kid swap" every other weekend and one night per week. Which means, out of 2 weeks, he will have her for 2 nights--2 of which are school nights. He has to drive her to her school the next moring--which is over a a 30 minute drive--we'll see how long that lasts.
It also means that between him taking her to school and her coming home on the bus, I will only really have to deal with the asshat 2 times a month. PRAISE JEBUS!
All I can do is take it one day at a time and pray that I make it thru each day....I tell ya, if it were not for my daughter and knowing that she would be left to be taken care of by HIM...there is no telling what I would do sometimes. ITS. SO. HARD.TO. DO. THIS. sigh...............
I wish there was a way for me to even make 5k more a year on top of what I make now--that would help SO much more and give me a little breathing room--heck, I might even be able to afford insurance that way! I'm probably going to need to take a 2nd job--but that means LESS time with my girl. I'm taking on more stuff at my current job, but that is not going to do it alone...so discouraged...pray for me people!!!
DD started back to school today--sigh, 6th grade--how did it happen? I cannot believe it.
But with the start of the new school year, comes a little welcome "normalcy" to our lives--or as normal as a house torn apart can be.
We are now down to the "kid swap" every other weekend and one night per week. Which means, out of 2 weeks, he will have her for 2 nights--2 of which are school nights. He has to drive her to her school the next moring--which is over a a 30 minute drive--we'll see how long that lasts.
It also means that between him taking her to school and her coming home on the bus, I will only really have to deal with the asshat 2 times a month. PRAISE JEBUS!
All I can do is take it one day at a time and pray that I make it thru each day....I tell ya, if it were not for my daughter and knowing that she would be left to be taken care of by HIM...there is no telling what I would do sometimes. ITS. SO. HARD.TO. DO. THIS. sigh...............
I wish there was a way for me to even make 5k more a year on top of what I make now--that would help SO much more and give me a little breathing room--heck, I might even be able to afford insurance that way! I'm probably going to need to take a 2nd job--but that means LESS time with my girl. I'm taking on more stuff at my current job, but that is not going to do it alone...so discouraged...pray for me people!!!
Monday, July 16, 2012
Sigh....
My little mouse is going to be leaving me for 2 weeks starting this Friday! I am overwhelmed with sadness that she will be gone. She is going to the Ex-outlaws...and I can only imagine the hatred of me that they will fill her head with while she is there.
Why am I letting her go you ask? Well, she's gone and done this for 4 years now--it's the only time she gets to spend with them really--because they cannot be bothered to see her any other time. AND she wants to go...she says she is not sure if she wants to stay the whole 2 weeks...and I told her that the minute she wants to come home, all she has to do is call and I'll come and get her.
We are still back and forth with negotiations for the stupid dissolution...he's being such an ass and I'm just about tired of it. I want it to just all go away.
I am an "A" type, OCD, anal retentive Virgo--and things being out of control drive me nuts. I don't like not knowing what is going on and it seems that my fate has been flung to the wind. SUCH a bad thing for people like me. My anxiety is thru the freaking roof....and I just want it to end.
It's going to be worse when she is gone. It gives my brain too much time to think--and I know that worrying about tomorrow robs the happiness from today, but that is just not how I am wired.
The nights are very long when she is gone as it is and that is only having to be apart from her for 2 days at a time....sigh.............
Why am I letting her go you ask? Well, she's gone and done this for 4 years now--it's the only time she gets to spend with them really--because they cannot be bothered to see her any other time. AND she wants to go...she says she is not sure if she wants to stay the whole 2 weeks...and I told her that the minute she wants to come home, all she has to do is call and I'll come and get her.
We are still back and forth with negotiations for the stupid dissolution...he's being such an ass and I'm just about tired of it. I want it to just all go away.
I am an "A" type, OCD, anal retentive Virgo--and things being out of control drive me nuts. I don't like not knowing what is going on and it seems that my fate has been flung to the wind. SUCH a bad thing for people like me. My anxiety is thru the freaking roof....and I just want it to end.
It's going to be worse when she is gone. It gives my brain too much time to think--and I know that worrying about tomorrow robs the happiness from today, but that is just not how I am wired.
The nights are very long when she is gone as it is and that is only having to be apart from her for 2 days at a time....sigh.............
Saturday, June 9, 2012
AN AMAZING FIND!!!
Ladies,
I have found a new source of inspiration for my soul. If you have not found or read the blog forThe Brave Girls Club, I suggest you do.
I have a blinkie on the right side of my page, or you can go to bravegirlsclub.com
Get inspired for your life and restore your soul.
www.bravegirlsclub.com
I have found a new source of inspiration for my soul. If you have not found or read the blog forThe Brave Girls Club, I suggest you do.
I have a blinkie on the right side of my page, or you can go to bravegirlsclub.com
Get inspired for your life and restore your soul.
www.bravegirlsclub.com
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Hey Knitters and Crafters....Win something!
http://stitchandunwind.com/win-10-skeins-of-pickles-yarn/
I know that craft supplies are MUY expensive--so sign up to win some free yarn!!! Believe it or not I have started planning on my holiday knitting--I have to start now, or I'll never finish.
Good Luck!!
I know that craft supplies are MUY expensive--so sign up to win some free yarn!!! Believe it or not I have started planning on my holiday knitting--I have to start now, or I'll never finish.
Good Luck!!
Monday, May 21, 2012
How to behave at public events.....
I realize that our world has become nothing but a bunch of self absorbed, egocentric, narcissists, but I am going to call out some of these people on their shit --- and so should everyone else.
When you are in the movie theater and the movie is playing: SHUT THE FUCK UP! no one cares about your problems, your moms, your kids, your ex etc--this is a MOVIE, that I have paid MEGA bucks to attend and I don't want to hear your stories. If I wanted that, I would have asked you out for drinks to discuss the crazy in your life in detail. The movie theater is NOT the place for it.
When attending a graduation, wedding, dance recital, school play, please follow the steps below:
1: Enter the event wearing APPROPRIATE CLOTHES. If you are not aware what is appropriate, ask someone, but I can ASSURE you that stinky tennis shoes, jeans with holes, your best NASCAR shirt, your ball cap etc have NO place at any of these events. This is the time to show respect for all of the hard work that the Graduates, dancers, performers have put into doing this event--if you cannot even put on decent clothes to show that respect--STAY HOME
2: Go to the bathroom BEFORE the event begins--getting up and down in the middle of an event is distracting and RUDE. That is what intermission is for. If you cannot find it in your heart to sit still for 1 hour, head to the nearest physicians office and get checked for Adult ADD or something--it's not asking a lot out of you to behave yourself for a short period of time.
3: Parents with small children and those with medical issues who will NOT be able to sit down and be still should sit towards the back or off to the side of the seating area so that they disturb the LEAST amount of people with their needing to get up, passing around sippy cups, handing out snacks, bathroom runs etc. Yeah, your kids might be cute--TO YOU--but the rest of us find them to be a big old pain in the ass. (Side bar: I have a kid--I've walked in your shoes--I hired a damn babysitter when I could afford to, or I followed the above advice so I didn't piss other people off--I NEVER plopped myself and my kid down in the middle of a 30 seat aisle and crawled over all those people multiple time.)
4: DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT repeatedly stand up to take pictures/record film etc..grab a quick shot from your seat if you must as your graduate walks across the stage--but that is IT! This is NOT an appropriate time for a photo opp and you are blocking the view of the other people around you--RUDE!
AND the number one rule for not getting your ass kicked: TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE--unless your name includes the title of PRESIDENT of some country OR you are waiting for an organ transplant, you are NOT THAT IMPORTANT. The call can wait. So can the text, the tweet, the check in--whatever. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!
People please, show a little respect--when adults do the right thing, children will follow their lead. Think about how hard these people have worked, how much time and money has gone into this production/wedding/show etc--and put away your need to be the center of attention for just a little while and give it to someone who deserves it.
When you are in the movie theater and the movie is playing: SHUT THE FUCK UP! no one cares about your problems, your moms, your kids, your ex etc--this is a MOVIE, that I have paid MEGA bucks to attend and I don't want to hear your stories. If I wanted that, I would have asked you out for drinks to discuss the crazy in your life in detail. The movie theater is NOT the place for it.
When attending a graduation, wedding, dance recital, school play, please follow the steps below:
1: Enter the event wearing APPROPRIATE CLOTHES. If you are not aware what is appropriate, ask someone, but I can ASSURE you that stinky tennis shoes, jeans with holes, your best NASCAR shirt, your ball cap etc have NO place at any of these events. This is the time to show respect for all of the hard work that the Graduates, dancers, performers have put into doing this event--if you cannot even put on decent clothes to show that respect--STAY HOME
2: Go to the bathroom BEFORE the event begins--getting up and down in the middle of an event is distracting and RUDE. That is what intermission is for. If you cannot find it in your heart to sit still for 1 hour, head to the nearest physicians office and get checked for Adult ADD or something--it's not asking a lot out of you to behave yourself for a short period of time.
3: Parents with small children and those with medical issues who will NOT be able to sit down and be still should sit towards the back or off to the side of the seating area so that they disturb the LEAST amount of people with their needing to get up, passing around sippy cups, handing out snacks, bathroom runs etc. Yeah, your kids might be cute--TO YOU--but the rest of us find them to be a big old pain in the ass. (Side bar: I have a kid--I've walked in your shoes--I hired a damn babysitter when I could afford to, or I followed the above advice so I didn't piss other people off--I NEVER plopped myself and my kid down in the middle of a 30 seat aisle and crawled over all those people multiple time.)
4: DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT repeatedly stand up to take pictures/record film etc..grab a quick shot from your seat if you must as your graduate walks across the stage--but that is IT! This is NOT an appropriate time for a photo opp and you are blocking the view of the other people around you--RUDE!
AND the number one rule for not getting your ass kicked: TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE--unless your name includes the title of PRESIDENT of some country OR you are waiting for an organ transplant, you are NOT THAT IMPORTANT. The call can wait. So can the text, the tweet, the check in--whatever. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!
People please, show a little respect--when adults do the right thing, children will follow their lead. Think about how hard these people have worked, how much time and money has gone into this production/wedding/show etc--and put away your need to be the center of attention for just a little while and give it to someone who deserves it.
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